remember me?

I finished reading earlier today my newest book by Kinsella, "Remember Me?"

I hardly stopped reading the book once i began scrolling on it last night.
The book was about Lexi Smart, who had an accident which caused her to have a retrograde amnesia.

What amazes me about her story is the fact that she can't feel anything towards anyone, even to her own husband since she lost her memories for the last 3 years.

That made me think that emotions are really triggered by what you are thinking, how you perceived things or what you have stored in mind.

While I was reading it last night, how i wished I could select the memories I could retain in my brain.
I wish I could easily delete those "entries/files/data" which are so much connected to pain and hurtings.

Honestly NOW, I quite envy Lexi to have that kind of amnesia.
How I so much wish I was her right at this moment.
I am hurting. So much hurting..
Only God knows and understand how difficult this is for me.
I cannot make anyone understand me.
No words existing in Lexicon could describe the heaviness I feel at the moment.

There were things I can't easily remove from my system.
Things which I must get rid of as soon as possible or I am dead.

My ghas.. This is the first time I felt so much pain.
I was able to cope with two (2) "big and confusing events" in my life.
But this one is different.
It involves everything about my life. Every detail of it.
And now my shield and my guard from self-destruction is weakening.
I feel like all my organs are being twisted & shuffled inside.

*sigh*

If I could just turn back the time..
If I could just easily forget what happened..
If I could just easily remove people from my memory and not remember and feel anything.

I've done terrible things in my life.
Terrible. Terrible things.

I was thinking of what really are hurting me..

(1) Me being so stupid, letting myself be deceived even I know and I feel deep inside that something's really not right.
(2) Deceptions and lies from someone you have learned to trust.
(3) Feeling used.
(4) Giving God's enemy all the smiles he wants, while hurting God all through out.
(5) Trusting and handing in my special gift to the wrong person which unfortunately, I cannot have back.
(6) Hurting the people I love and valued most.
(7) Almost throwing ALL away for some insignifant, selfish bout.

There.. Could you imagine how I became so wicked?
A "bitch" as Lexi's staff described her.

Prior to Lexi's accident. She used to be so unprofiled and yet humble, kind, caring and a sweet person to everyone. The 3-year hole in her life seemed to mold her into a different kind of person: stern, strict, a "bitch-from-hell-boss" (as her staff calls hers). So when she recovered from the accident, with that 3-years empty cave in her memory, she cannot fully comprehend why everyone seems to be so cold and hate her. She even didn't know that she's already holding a diretor position in the company from just being an associate. When she looked at the mirror, her knees wobbled at the sight. For she has grown so beatiful, without any trace of her physical deformities.

Well, I could somewhat (SOMEWHAT) relate to what had happened to her. When I gaze myself at the mirror, I sometimes ask my reflection:

"Who are you?"
"Where is Grace?"
"What have you done to yourself?"
"What happened to me?"

But similar to Lexi, I know deep inside, that the real & old person is locked up.
I just need to rack my brain and rationalize on things.
Gradually, fix things up around me.
Get rid of what to get rid of.
"Destroy" every memory which ravages me inside. (Though I know it's really impossible destroying them. I guess, acceptance, being responsible with myself, being rational on things will greatly help, plus living a good life as much as my weak self can..)

Lexi did try to understand what happened to her old self.
How did she became like "that."
There were incidents in her past life which forced her to become the person she was: hard, inconsiderate, stern, unrelenting and stubborn.
There were also people in her life which hurt her so much that she finally decided to change her old self and get to a new one. She became so ambitious that she forgets her friends and her loved ones.. Then from then on, the old Lexi started to fade..

Well, I also medidated on that and realized what moved me to change.
I got myself so busy, putting aside the more important things in life like my spirituality.
Also, there were a few people who seems to abuse my kind and mild-mannered self that they just left me after enjoying a part of their life with me. Those people didn't even know they left a hole in me. Big holes in me.. All of that I knew God saw.

My experiences in life. People who became part of it have a lots of say to what I have become. Still, it is my choice to what kind of person I would "wear."
I could not change back, but I definitely can modify myself for the better.

*sigh*

I am so sorry for everything.
I am hurting but I don't blame anyone for this, only myself.
I put myself into this kind of situation and I earned all these pain.
I just hope I could get thru all of this.
I hope I could make up with everyone I hurt, most especially to God.
I hurt Him the most. Over and over again. I am really so sorry..
If it's my consequence to live with this kind of loneliness a lifetime, then be it.
All I am concerned of this time is to regain His favor and to fully feel that I am forgiven.
I also wanted to forgive myself and finally leave the wrong course I took and put them all behind.

I wanted to heal. ASAP.
As in ASAP.

I need to work on with my mind and control my thoughts.
Be rational with what happened and try to appease the pain I feel.

How I wish I could just delete all the "unnecessary" memories so I won't feel anything like Lexi..

Good thing, I could still somewhat feel the "real' me.
All I need to do is remember her.

And so I ask myself: "Remember me?"