hmmm..

hirap din pala ano?
no matter how strong your brain is.
no matter how capable you are in controlling it.
you cannot still ignore what your heart feels.
it is still there. lingering inside.
you cannot make yourself numb actually.
so i don't quite believe people who says na "namanhid na ko"
it's not true.
walang taong manhid.
lahat tayo nilalang na may damdamin at pakiramdam.
nasasabi lang nila yon kasi di nila maprocess kung anong nararamdaman talaga nila.
or should i say, they cannot accept what they feel at that moment.
kaya kala nila namamanhid sila. pero ang totoo, di nila alam kung anong mararamdaman talaga nila.
di nila ma-identify.. kelangan ng acceptance at matinding pag-iisip ng mga bagay bagay pag ganyan.

pero it's good to feel that i can control my thoughts.
it somewhat helps me control the damage of negative emotions.
it somewhat limits the pain and hurtings.
though it is there, i can feel it.
but what can i do? but feel them all.
acknowledge them all so i could move on and have a new life.
it will take time for me and i hope i could face everything still with a smile on my face.
i'm trying my best to be rational on things so i could live peacefully.
i just hope things will fall into their proper places.
i hope i could soon move on and leave all these things behind.
if i were to give a score on how i am doing now, 10 being the highest.
I could rate myself 4 or 5.
baba pa noh? why is that?
kasi i can still feel my attachment with my past.
i can still feel the past. it's all here in me still. nararamdaman ko pa din.
i am slowly changing things around me.
but i guess, having a new life is not easy.
there will be new hindrances which could throw killing stabs of pain on me.
i hope and i pray i could do it.
God sees everything. i know that.
He knows all my battles and He knows everything about me.
As long as I have Him, i will not worry anymore.
i accepted that these pains are all for me to bear.
it's part of the consequences of my actions.
But then, what matters most to me now is to make Jehovah God happy.
patuloy kong sasawayin ang sarili ko. and I know He knows that. He sees all my efforts.
i am very grateful to have known Jehovah. He's very trustworthy and loving. :)
i know i must do better, but i can proudly say i can feel i could do it.

i'm positive on things.
always positive on things... :)